Attempted Shower

This is me.

Since I had my surgery six days ago, my life has consisted of sitting on the couch, watching bad television shows, screwing around on Facebook, talking on the telephone, and sleeping.  While this may sound like every teenager’s dream, I’ve been very bored.  I am usually a very active person (mentally, if not physically) and all this relaxing is kicking my ass.

Of course, I’m supposed to be resting, and on top of that, I have absolutely no energy to do anything even if I wasn’t in pain (which I am).   Thursday, when I saw Dr. Sleeper last, he said I could take a shower if I was up to it, and he even put this funky water-proof covering on top of my drain tube.  I wasn’t

Showers used to be my friend.

up to a shower Thursday.  I wasn’t up to it Friday either (though I did manage to wrap every single one of Tiernen’s Christmas presents, yay me).  I decided that today was the day!

Gram owns the Trade Mark (TM)

Granted, it isn’t like I’ve been totally gross.  I have been taking Whore’s Baths (TM) all weeks, so I don’t totally reek, but still, there’s nothing quite like taking a bath or shower.

For those of you who know me well, I am an obsessive bath-taker.  I take at least two a day:  one in the morning to get clean and one before bed just to relax.  Because of my MS, I have a really hard time regulating my temperature, so sometimes I take a bath just to warm up.  It’s like seeping in a gigantic cup of tea.  The best present for me is anything having to do

If I could bathe in this, I would.

with the tub:  bubble bath, bath gels, bath salts (no, not that kind), scented soaps, etc.  Not being able to take a bath these past six days have made me sad, especially when I’m freezing on the couch.  I’ve been drinking an excessive amount of tea (since I can’t seep in it, I might as well drink it!)

I undressed, which was a procedure in and of itself, as I am sore as hell.  This was also the first time I’ve taken off my oh-so-sexy compression socks since Monday at 9 AM and my legs sang a brief Halleluiah Chorus after being released from their compression hell.  I also had to take off my binder, which is basically the world’s least sexy corset and keeps me in place while everything heals.

My legs and feet singing the "Halleluiah Chorus"

Halleluiah

I told Darryl he was going to have to assist me in this whole shower thing because I still have the drain which is pinned onto my clothes.  Since I don’t wear clothes in the shower and the drain is not allowed to hang, I needed him to stand outside the shower and hold the drain the entire time.  I also got my special antibacterial soap to wash my belly (gently) and my shampoo for newly dyed hair.  I had to angle myself as to not get shampoo into my incisions (though they are very, very covered). 

I washed my hair with no problem.  Then I conditioned it, and I started to feel a little… off.  I leaned against the side of the shower and Darryl asked me what was wrong.  I was feeling lightheaded and weak.  Every limb felt very heavy and I could barely life my arms.  I asked Darryl if all the conditioner was out of

I wore a suit in the shower.  And shoes.

my hair; he said it was.  I seriously thought I was going to pass out right there in the shower and that would not have been a good thing since a) I would have fallen down hard in the tub, and b) Darryl was still holding onto the drain pump which would have probably been ripped from my body as a result of said fall.  I would have had to have go to the emergency room and that would have been no bueno. 

Students know how much I love the no sign.

Given the clear (aka conditioner-free), I grabbed the pump from Darryl and stumbled into the bedroom and sat on the bed.  I still felt like I was going to pass out.  Then I sprawled out in the bed, soaking wet.  Darryl then proceeded to yell at me because I was getting the bed very wet (but hey, I can’t sleep on the bed anyway!) but I was seriously two seconds away from passing out. 

It took me a good 15 minutes to breathe normally and get back to normal.  I brushed out my hair and washed the rest of my body with Gram’s patented Whore’s Bath (TM) method.  I put on clean pajamas and Darryl ran my binder through the washer and dryer (it was kinda gross and had dried blood on it). 

...but you can try...

 So that’s my update for the day.  The moral of the story is this:  attempted shower = epic fail.