Shape Shifter

I’ve been drainless (drain free? Sans drain?) for a whole week now.  I am pleased to say that I have no more crippling cramps which is absolutely a plus.  I’m not on any pain meds, not even Tylenol.  Yippee! 

Of course, I’m still quite puffy and swollen.  Additionally, Keith the Fabulous Nurse told me that scar tissue doesn’t begin to break down until after three months.   So really what this means is what I look like now isn’t what my bod will look like in three months.  I’m hoping that by my birthday in April, my torso will be rocking.  After three months, I’ll be able to start exercising again, so I maybe I can firm up some other giggly bits.  I guess it’s something to look forward to.

Compression socks = not attractive

In the meantime, I’m still sporting my way sexy compression socks.  The only time I take them off is when I shower (which I can do now, yay!) or when I wash them.  You can imagine how odd it looks to have tan compression socks in a washing machine full of black clothing.   

I am also wearing my binder 24 hours a day (again, unless I’m showering or it’s being washed).  I’m not talking “put your notes in a binder” here, folks.  I’m talking about a

Not this kind of binder...

body binder (think mummy wrapping with Velcro).  Because I didn’t have a traditional tummy tuck (most people just get cut from hip to hip; I got cut hip to hip AND from breast bone to pubic bone… we’re talking some 36+ inches of incisions), the traditional binder isn’t long enough to bind all of me.  So I have to wear TWO binders, one on the lower part of my belly and one on my upper.  Yes, imagine mummy because that’s what I look like.  

Very sexy body binder (not)

Keith the Wonder Nurse felt my pain – ok, not literally, but he was sensitive to my plight – and he suggested I go to Macy’s or something and get a body shaper.  He said it would sufficiently put pressure on my incisions and be thinner underneath my clothes.

Darryl, the best husband ever, took me to Victoria’s Secret. I was in a ridiculous amount of pain and was walking like a mummy, but if any of you are familiar with Vicky’s you know that the second you walk in, about fifteen workers come and ask if they can help.  Usually and I blow them off, but this time I wanted in and out.  I explained that I had surgery, needed a tight-tight body shaper to put pressure on my 36-inch incisions, and yeah, if it could come in black, that would be a huge bonus. 

This is not me.

Almost instantly, Vicky’s attendant found me this body shaper that had built-in panties.  I didn’t want built-in panties, especially since I was planning on wearing the shaper every single day and ew, but she assured me that I could wear undies underneath it with no problem.  I paid the $38 and was out the door.  No, I did not try it on.  I was in pain, and I didn’t think you really tried those things on. 

To be honest, one of the reasons I wanted the binder to be as lump-free as possible was because I knew I was going to visit my Gram for the family’s annual post-Christmas party.  Because Gram forbid me from having a tummy tuck, I needed to be able to hide it.  I was lucky enough to get the drain out the day before (bonus) but mummy binders would be hard to cover.  Even though it was under my clothes, it made me lumpy.  I wanted to show off my hard work.

When I got home and took the shaper out of the package, it was

This was the approximate size of the body shaper.

approximately the size of a Cabbage Patch outfit.  I took off my mummy binders and squeezed my bod into this tiny spandex bod squisher.  I looked like a sausage.  But you know what?  The pressure on my incisions felt really, really good.  I was ready to face my Gram.

The next day, we woke up and Darryl brought the dogs to the kennel. Tiernen and I loaded up the car with Gram’s gifts and dressed in our new Christmas clothes (guess what color I wore?)  I swallowed three Tylenol and stashed the rest of the bottle in my coat pocket. I knew I would need them. 

The shaper did its job:  it put the pressure on my incisions (not to mention sucking in any giggling bits).  I looked good! 

Post-Christmas was a blast!  Gram loved her presents.  The food was awesome.  We laughed.  And the best was… my bestie Michelle came to dinner.

This year, we decided to recreate pictures from high school.  They were taken in 1988 and 1990 and then on December 27, 2014.  (Now’s a good time to tell me that I haven’t changed at all!)

Michelley and me (1988) outside of Bayonne High

Gram didn’t know about my surgery, which was a bonus.  She said I was “too skinny” and that I “lost enough weight” and “needed to stop.”  She said she “likes me better fat.”  We’re Italian.  This is my family. 

Overall, it was a lovely time.

Michelle and me at the prom (1990)

But when I got home, I realized that the elastic around my legs on the 

shaper had ripped open my 

incisions.  No bueno.  Ouch, ouch, ouch.  Darryl had to put all sorts of bandages and triple antibiotic ointment on me to try to close up the wounds.  Ew.

Also not me

I went BACK to Victoria’s Secret and found a second kind of shaper ($44 this time), this one for women who have both a chubby belly and flabby thighs (I have skinny legs, by the way).  This one is a shaper plus biker shorts.  Yeah, not sexy, at all, but it puts the pressure on my incisions without ripping open my hip ones.  Bonus.  I guess.

Michelle and me, senior pic (1989)

Don’t forget to tell me how I haven’t changed.