Tapeworm

I am so grossed out right now I can hardly type this.

Last year's family recreation photo 1.

I had my third follow-up appointment with Dr. Sleeper.  I was very prepared to be told that my drain was NOT coming out because I have yet to drain under 30 ccs of yuck (yuck meaning blood, pus, and the unnamed “other fluid”).  There was still a whole lot of pain going on at the drain site… still not sleeping… back pain… you know the same crap I’ve been writing for the past week. 

The Bosnian nurse’s name is Anita.  She called me back into the examination room.  I asked when all the adhesive tape was going to come off of my incisions.  She told me usually not until two weeks after the surgery.  It’s not that I really mind; it’s just that I figured that the longer it stays, the longer it’s going to take the scrub the black glue off of my body.  She got together all the supplies to change the gauze and waterproof the drain tube area so I can shower (which I can do now without passing out – yay!).  Then she took a look at my Jackson-Pratt tube, you know, the old grenade.

“This looks good,” she said, fingering the grenade.  “Yellow.”

I had noticed that my drain yuck had gone from blood red (literally) to pink to clearish yellow.  I didn’t realize this was a good or bad thing.  I just thought it was a thing, a fun experience of my tummy tuck adventure.

“It may come out today.  I’ll get the doctor,” she said, leaving the room.

Darryl looked at me and raised his hand to give me a high five.  I didn’t return it because I was afraid to get my hopes up.

Photo recreation 2

Of course I want the drain out because it hurts like hell, but I also had other motives.  I’m going to post-Christmas family celebration in New Jersey tomorrow.  It is a great time filled with tons of food and family jokes.  Last year we recreated old family pictures.  I hope we can do it again this year.

My Gram on her 85th birthday

So what’s the problem?  I didn’t want to do it with a drain.  I have a fair amount of baggy clothing (ok, all of my clothes are baggy) and I could probably safely hide the stupid grenade under my clothes.  But I wasn’t so much worried about Gram seeing the pump (her eyesight isn’t that great) as just knowing it s there. 

See, Gram just knows things without being told.  I wouldn’t’ say she’s psychic, but I do think she has some sort of sense of things.  I didn’t tell her I was having a tummy tuck because she forbid me from doing it.  I usually call her every day, but when I call her when I’m sick, even if I pretend not to be sick, she just knows.  Another example was when my brother Kenny and my sister-in-law Martha were thinking about getting pregnant.  They had been married for more than eight years and had pretty much decided not to have children.  When they told me they were thinking about it, it was both a surprise and a big secret.

Photo recreation 3

I was sitting in her living room and out of nowhere, Gram said, “I think Kenny and Martha should have a baby before I died.” 

I nearly choked.

Tomorrow, she might know I had surgery, but it would make it a million times worse if I had a drain.  It just would, believe me.

So yeah, I sitting there in Dr. Sleeper’s office with Anita going to get him with the possibility of having the drain removed was almost more I could stand. 

Dr. Sleeper came in with Keith in tow (he showed Darryl and me pictures of his kids today, two of the cutest little kids I’ve ever seen!)  They started pulling off all the adhesive tape (you know, the ones that I was just told wouldn’t be off until Monday).  Darryl watched and said, “wow” a lot of times because the scars were pretty minimal.  Dr. Sleeper told me which ones to put this sulfide cream on and to use alcohol wipes to get all the black sticky stuff (did he not realize it’s my color). 

Then he turned to Keith, “You can take it out.”

Did I hear that right?  The drain was coming out?  Now?  Even though it wasn’t under 30ccs?  I wasn’t going to question it because it was coming out!

“Is it going to hurt?”

Dr. Sleeper and Keith just looked at each other.  This was not a good sign.  I asked Darryl to come over and hold my hand. 

The whole procedure took about five seconds.  While it didn’t exactly hurt, it was one of the most disturbing sensations I have ever felt in my life.  I’m even having a hard time writing about it without physically feeling it right now.

It felt like a snake was slithering through my body quickly.  I looked over to see what the drain (the part inside of me) actually looked like.  It was a ten-inch long white flexible flat tube with holes in it every quarter inch.  I had no idea that was the part of the drain I couldn’t see.  I actually felt it move from my left hip to my right hip.  It was a horrible, uncomfortable, deeply disturbing experience.

Actual tapeworm (ew)

Then the cramping started.  Remember that my insides sort of got used to having this alien tapeworm in my body.  It was hanging out of me and it hurt, but inside, my muscles and organs and stuff were used to it, I guess. 

So now my outsides don’t hurt but my insides hurt with the worst menstrual-like cramps than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.  Again, I’m only on the way-useful Tylenol (sarcasm).  I hurt.  I’m cranky.

At least tomorrow I can just tell Gram I have wicked bad cramps and not be lying…